Stress, Humour & Health
New ways of being


 
 

How To Stay Stressed

Although we have long been an advocate of stress management, stress, tension, and burnout are still common complaints of managers, staff, students, teachers, and lecturers alike. On account of this, we have come to the following conclusion: YOU ALL WANT TO STAY STRESSED! The following provides you with a few reasons why.

STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT.
Anyone as stressed as you must be working very hard and, therefore, is probably doing something very crucial.
IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY.
Anyone as busy as you are certainly can't be expected to form emotional attachments to anyone. And let's face it, you're not much fun to be around anyway.
IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES.
Obviously you're too stressed to be given any more work. This gets you off the hook for all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of them.
IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH.
Stress might be considered a cheap thrill, and you can give yourself a "hit" anytime you choose. But be careful, you might get addicted to your own adrenaline.
IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS.
Why risk being "successful" when by simply staying stressed you can avoid all of that? Stress can keep your performance level low enough that success won't ever be a threat.
STRESS ALSO LETS YOU KEEP YOUR AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE.
The authoritarian style of "Just do what I say!" is generally permissible under crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis atmosphere, you can justify an authoritarian style all the time.

Are you worried now about how to stay stressed?

You'll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

NEVER EXERCISE.
Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.
EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT.
Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to.
GAIN WEIGHT.
Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.
TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS.
The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
AVOID "WOO-WOO" PRACTICES.
Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The Protestant work ethic is good for everyone, Protestant or not.
GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM.
Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that concern yourself with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM.
Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal attack. Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return the attack!
THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR.
Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.
MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO.
Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
BECOME A WORKAHOLIC.
Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS.
Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
PROCRASTINATE.
Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress.
WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL.
Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approching Ice Age, you know, all the big issues.
BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS...
...and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discour- aged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them.


You already have all the resouces you need

How To Relax

  1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
  2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
  3. There is absolutely no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
  4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
  5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  6. Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
  7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
  8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
  9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
  10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
  11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
  12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
  13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
  14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
  15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
  16. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
  17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
  18. If you can smile when things go wrong, then you know someone to blame.
  19. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
  20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
  21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
  24. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
  25. The trouble with life is that you're half way through it before you realize that it's NOT a "do-it-yourself" thing.

For more information on New Oceans services contact
New Oceans House, 39 Jennings Road, St Albans Herts AL1 4NX
Tel: 01727 869782 Fax: 01727 842181
Email: [email protected]
www.new-oceans.co.uk