These are some of the most important of the presuppositions which underpin NLP, and which are the foundation of New Oceans’ philosophy for inspirational parenting.
And even though some of them may at first be challenging to take on board, when you begin by just acting ‘as if’ they’re true the magic occurs in your relationship with your children - and theirs with others!
The map is not the territory
Because we all have different internal sensory preferences, (some prefer seeing, some hearing, others feeling), values, beliefs, personality types, we each filter the information coming to us from the territory - everything outside our heads - in our personally individual ways. These become our own unique ‘maps’ of the world, and none therefore is, or can be, the territory.
Our children, like us, respond to their own maps of reality: by pacing each of them in their own ‘language’ - i.e. ‘listening’ to their spoken AND UNSPOKEN communications, using NLP techniques, we are honouring their map, so that we can then help them to stretch its boundaries and their views of the world.
Behind every behaviour is a positive intention
Our children sometimes express themselves in unexpected, even unacceptable, behaviours: but we have to recognise that each behaviour is the result of them making the best choice they perceive to be available to them at the time. Their behaviour always has a reason or purpose driving it, although the positive intention of it, for them, isn’t always positive for us!
Taking the time to elicit, with NLP’s beautifully effective techniques, what your child’s positive intention is, you can then guide them to alternative behaviours which, while still honouring their positive purpose, are also more acceptable to the people around them.
There is no failure, only feedback
Every experience can be used. Think about when your child learned to walk: if they fell down they got up and tried again, maybe this time holding on to a chair. When they are very young our children don’t have any concept of ‘failure’…. If something doesn’t work they have another go at it in another way. But as they grow older they are often scared to ‘try again’.
However, so-called ‘failure’ - often described as ‘success that just stopped too soon!’ - can be re-framed as an opportunity to discover something new, to encourage in our children a sense, not of failing, but of positive curiosity and wonder
You cannot NOT communicate
The meaning of our communications is the response we get. And the words we use, while obviously vitally important, are only a small part of how we communicate. Vocal quality, tone of voice, facial expressions, gestures, breathing, how we use our bodies, are all elements of non-verbal communication. Even silence is a powerful communication tool. Children are born experts at picking up tacit communications - if your voice and body don’t match your words, your child will not believe the words, but your unspoken message.
We are always communicating at conscious AND UNCONSCIOUS levels: resistance in a child is a sign of lack of rapport; there are no resistant children, only inflexible communicators.
If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got; so do something different!
Just like us,our children get stuck in repeated patterns of responses, behaviours, even beliefs, which may once have served them well, but are now redundant. Encouraging them to do something different to break up the old limiting pattern when something isn’t working must result in a different outcome.
Modelling excellence can lead to excellence
If one person can do something it is possible to model it and teach it to others, learn it oneself, or help that person use it in another area of their life: because thought, experience, and excellence all have structure.
Modelling applies to anything, large or small, that anyone does well. So we can use this presupposition to help our children. For example, when another child is good at something your child finds challenging, let’s say Maths: instead of shrugging and giving up, get them to ask the other child, “How do you do that?”. NLP has wonderful techniques to elicit someone’s internal strategy for HOW they do WHAT they do - and you will learn these on our Inspired Parenting course, and can then pass them on to, and encourage, your child to use them as well.
We already have all the resources we need to succeed
When we broaden our definition of ‘resources’ we realise that, like us, our children have innate characteristics, values, beliefs, and latent abilities, all of which can be re-usable resources for them.
Some of our most profound resources, our ‘sunbeams’, sometimes start out as ‘raindrops’……. for example, many of those we now call geniuses - Picasso, Einstein, da Vinci - all had learning differences as children, and grew to genius levels by USING them, to learn and achieve; re-framing their meaning so they became perceived as resources for success.
Our children also, of course, have us, as possibly their greatest potential resource when we acknowledge and develop our own! Especially our desire and ability to love them, and to help them to access and use all of those resources which make them the uniquely special individuals they are.