See me. Hear me. Touch me.


The communication secret that will bring you closer together!

DOES your partner buy you flowers and gifts, but can never bring himself to tell you that he loves you? Is the fact that he rarely compliments your appearance or can't bear to hold your hand in public casting a shadow over your dreams of everlasting love?

If this sounds like your relationship, then explore Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), advanced techniques for improving communication skills. It is time for you both to get back in touch with your senses and learn how to read each other's body language if you want to get on the same wavelength.

The secret to finding true love, the ideal job and even bolstering your self-confidence is down to learning a few behavioural techniques that are designed to bridge the communication gap.

It may sound like sophisticated psychology, but NLP is one of the simplest ways of transforming your relationship.

Dozens of sports people take hints from NLP coaches on how to improve their self-esteem and film stars, media people, and even politicians use it to impress their audiences.

Developed over the past two decades by two psychologists, Richard Bandler and John Grinder, NLP looks at how we interact and the reasons why we sometimes simply can't relate to others.

People naturally fall into one of the three sensual NLP "wavelengths" --- seeing (visual), hearing (auditory), or touch/emotional-sensitive (kinesthetic),' ......

When we fall in love, it doesn't really matter which category we fit in because we're galvanised into using all five senses by the immediate desire to please and to communicate.

We send flowers, buy chocolates, whisper sweet nothings, spend all day in bed entwined in each other's arms.

But unless the couple are truly on the same NLP wavelength, they will revert, in time, to their natural sensual preference, the one they use the most --- and this is where communication difficulties start.'

So if you want to establish an unbreakable bond, you first need to really get to know yourself and your partner and then copy their personality, body language and the way they talk.

First, study the main characteristics of the three categories, then do our simple quiz to determine which category best matches you and your partner. Finally, you will be able to see how you relate to each other.

LOOKERS (Visual)

SUCH people like to look at and interpret information. They hate being read passages from books --- which also illustrates their tendency to be impatient --- and prefer to see the words for themselves.

When it comes to meeting people, their first impressions are often guided by appearance. They are usually creative, art lovers and become totally absorbed in the picture they're painting for themselves. Consequently, they're often accused of forgetting to let others know what's going on.

A visual person tends to sit up straight, talk quickly and interrupt constantly to make you understand what they need to know. Maintaining eye contact is crucial if you want to get their attention.

Use examples or analogies to help illustrate a point more clearly. In relationships, a visual partner often needs to be complimented on the way they look.

How to tell if your partner is a visual personality:

  • THEY are well-organised and tend to take a lot of time over grooming and appearance.
  • ALTHOUGH they are often quiet, they hate being interrupted because it ruins their train of thought.
  • THEY excel at spelling and grammar as they memorise things by seeing pictures in their mind.
  • BECAUSE they are likely to be impulsive shoppers, they love being taken to new places.
  • THE phrases they tend to use include: 'See you'; 'watch it'; 'I notice' and 'It appears.'

LISTENERS (Auditory)

THESE people react according to the sounds and words they hear. Typically, they love conversation and listen intently, paying attention to detail and responding well to facts and statistics.

They learn better when they're told precisely what to do. They will often veer towards numerical jobs, such as accountancy, and excel on the phone. They are generally seen as no-nonsense organisers.

An auditory person looks down to the left during conversations (or the right if they are left-handed), signalling that they are talking themselves through a situation.

Show your interest in what they're saying by folding your arms, perhaps with a hand touching your face and your head to one side. You can tune in by telling them that what they say sounds good. Talk clearly, loudly and enthusiastically.

They'll want to hear frequent evidence of love --- being touched may not mean as much'.

How to tell if your partner is an auditory personality:

  • WHEN they're trying to concentrate, noise is a real distraction. They talk to themselves in times of worry.
  • WHEN thinking of word, they often move their lips.
  • BEING told how well they're doing at work is crucial to them.
  • MUSIC is a great love. They learn new things by listening.
  • KEY words or phrases they use include: 'Listen'; 'That sounds like'; 'I hear' and 'It's good to talk.'

TOUCHERS (Kinesthetic)

WHILE most of us are divided evenly between either audio or visual personalities, touchy-feely people, known as kinesthetics, make up just 20pc of the population.

Touchers experience life through their feelings. They are highly tactile, sensitive and prone to moodiness. They need to be around others and can become withdrawn if deprived of company and affection.

Such people feel reassured if their arm is touched while you are talking to them and if you use words to which they relate. They often look distracted when they are talking to you --- they'll tidy up, open the post or glance around.

They need plenty of affection. So when you need to make a point, focus on emotions and feelings. Ask questions --- for example, 'How would you feel?' --- and allow them do the same.

In an argument with a kinesthetic partner, use words which describe what an emotion would feel like if you could touch it --- perhaps in terms of needing something more solid or concrete.

How to tell if your partner is a kinesthetic personality:

  • THEY stand close to people and will reach out and touch without embarrassment, often tapping a shoulder or leg to get attention.
  • FAVOURITE sports or pastimes are those which rouse their senses of taste, smell and touch.
  • THEY use their hands when they talk and have a firm, warm handshake.
  • FAVOURITE phrases include: 'I feel like'; 'I can handle'; 'Hold on' and 'Get in touch.'

Now take the compatibility test

TO SEE how you can communicate more effectively with your partner, take it in turns to answer the questions. Choose either a, b, or c and then add up your separate scores.


1 What would make you suspect that someone was lying to you?
a) The way they look or avoid looking at you.
b) Their tone of voice.
c) A feeling you get about their sincerity.

2 How would you know that you had a good day at work?
a) Your desk is clear or your "to do" list is complete.
b) You had a good meeting or productive telephone conversation.
c) An inner glow, a deep satisfaction with the day.

3 What kind of holiday activity would you prefer?
a) City sights, local colour.
b) Cultural/historical lectures and concerts.
c) Beach, sun and sea.

4 Which of the following group of leisure activities would you choose?
a) Cinema, photography, interior design.
b) Listening to music, a taped book or singing.
c) Sport, sculpture, cookery.

5 Which type of TV programme would you prefer to watch?
a) Art, Travel.
b) Music, Last Night Of The Proms.
c) Animals, DIY.

6 What would you prefer for an anniversary treat?
a) A weekend break away somewhere new.
b) A personal dedication on the radio.
c) Your partner cooking your favourite, romantic meal.

6 What would you prefer for an anniversary treat?
a) A weekend break away somewhere new.
b) A personal dedication on the radio.
c) Your partner cooking your favourite, romantic meal.

7 What would you do to destress and unwind?
a) Gaze at something relaxing, such as a candle.
b) Talk to a friend.
c) Aromatherapy.

8 If you looked after a friend's dog for the weekend, how would you like to be thanked?
a) A card.
b) A phone call.
c) A bottle of your favourite tipple.

9 Which of the following groups of jobs most appeal?
a) An artist or designer in television.
b) Lecturer, customer service or telesales.
c) A gardener, nursing or counselling.

10 What do you like to have in your home?
a) Lots of pictures.
b) Wind chimes.
c) Pot pourri, soft cushions.

11 Which magazine would you prefer?
a) National Geographic or Vogue.
b) Music or current affairs.
c) DIY, sports or creative crafts.

12 How would you discipline your children?
a) A piercing look or frown.
b) Your tone of voice or shout.
c) Punishment by deprivation, eg, no pocket money

MOSTLY As means you are a visual person; mainly Bs and you're auditory; mostly Cs and you're kinesthetic. If your answers are evenly split, refer to the detailed analysis of the character types to see which one most closely matches your personality.


  • BOTH VISUAL: You both love photography, the cinema and giving each other presents. However, you leap on so-called signs of disloyalty, such as lipstick on his collar.

  • SHE'S AUDIO; HE'S VISUAL: Sweet nothings mean more to her than a bouquet. She should use visual language otherwise he may appear quiet and pensive.

  • SHE'S KINESTHETIC; HE'S VISUAL: She should use gestures he cannot fail to see --- putting her hand on his. However, he shouldn't feel jealous if she innocently touches others.

  • SHE'S VISUAL; HE'S AUDIO: Both enjoy the theatre and TV. Though he says he loves her, she needs to see evidence, such as a surprise gift.

  • BOTH AUDIO: You will have a shared love of music and conversation. But there's a danger of talking at each other.

  • SHE'S KINESTHETIC; HE'S AUDIO: She needs hugs, not terms of endearment, but he will prefer to hear 'I love you' rather than be caressed.

  • SHE'S VISUAL; HE'S KINESTHETIC: You instinctively read each other's body language. However, you may avoid talking about important matters. You may have different interests so you need to focus on give and take.

  • SHE'S AUDIO; HE'S KNIESTHETIC: His feelings run deep and she can help him to talk about them. But she needs to hear him say 'I love you'. He may feel she talks too much and be overwhelmed.

  • BOTH KINESTHETIC: A very physical relationship, but a danger of short tempers and hurt feelings.


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